TakeMeAsIAM

Things the Remind me Of You
-Roses
-Sports cars
-Holyoke mall
-Long Nights
-Late night talks
-Summer days & warm summer nights
-Music
-Rick Springfield's song "Jesse's Girl"
-The River
-White trucks
-Trampolines
-Karoake
-Pool tables & Non-stop Laughter
-Fights that seemed like they would never end
-Loud Classic Rock Music
-Video Cameras
-Soccer Practice
-4th of July Fire works
-Tents
-Pools with just me, you, & the girls
-Bike rides
-Woods
-Hitting
-Movie theaters
-Leather jackets
-Engagement rings
-Sleepless Nights
-The Girls
-Swearing
-Inapropriate touching
-Laughter that makes me cry
-Bumble Bees
-Tools
-Riding lawnmowers
-Basements
-Big Screen T.V's
-Stupid, Silly movies
-Long walks
-Sex related terms
-Burning rubber @ stop lights
-Speeding on the highway
-Six Flags
-Drowning
-Long stories
-Camping in the backyard
-Basketball games in the driveway
-Billy Joel
-Running from the police
-Dance practice
-Parking lots full of sin
-Court
-Scars on my heart, body & mind

Current Location: home
Current Mood: crushed

THESE PAST COUPLE DAYS ALL ME AND RAY HAVE BEEN DOING IS ARGUING. I'M UPSET THAT HES LEAVING AND AT FIRST I WAS PUSHING HIM AWAY, AND THEN I REALIZED IT WILL HURT ME MORE WHEN HE LEAVES IF I START TO PUSH HIM AWAY. THEN HE KEPT SAYING HOW I USE HIM. AND I USE HIM AS A "SCAPE GOAT" WHICH IS BULLSHIT AND SAYS ALOT OF STUFF THAT HURTS ME AND AS HES SAYING THIS I AM TRYING TO HOLD BACK WORDS AND TEARS AND PROFANITY AND I COULDNT BREATHE AND MY HEART WAS ACHING AND THEN THIS MORNING HE WAS ANGRY AND THEN ON THE PHONE WE ARGUED AGAIN AND THIS TIME IT GOT WORSE. AND WE WERE PISSED AT EACH OTHER AND STILL ARE. I HUNG UP WHEN HE SAID "LATER" TO ME AND I WAS SO PISSED I WAS CRYING AND SWEARING AND WE WERE CALLING ONE ANOTHER "BITCH"
AND "ASSHOLE" AND "DUMBASS" AND STUFF LIKE THAT AND I WANTED TO KILL HIM. I WANTED TO STOMP ON HIS HEART LIKE HE HAS MINE. I NEVER FUCKEN USED HIM. AND WHO THE HELL DOES HE THINK HE IS YELLING AT ME? I AM NOT LITTLE! I DONT NEED TO BE FUCKEN REPREMANDED! WTF? IM SICK OF THIS SHIT!!!! AUUUURRGGGHH I WANNA TALK TO HIM BUT I CANT AND HE IS SO PISSED AT ME AND HES GOING TO BE BUSY SO I CAN TALK TO HIM UNTIL LIKE 7 OR 8 TOMORROW AND I DONT KNOW IF HE WILL EVEN CALL ME ANYMORE BECAUSE OF THIS AND AUURRGGHH THEN ON SUNDAY I WILL SEE HIM AT THE PARADE THAT WE HAVE TO MARCH IN FOR ROTC AND STUFF. SO CONSTANT NASTY LOOKS UNLESS WE WORK IT OUT ON SATURDAY WHICH I HOPE BUT I DUNNO. IM PISSED, AND IM FURIOUS AND NO ONE ELSE BETTER FUCK WITH ME BEFORE I BREAK!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Current Location: home
Current Mood: pissed off
Current Music: KLSDJHGSDHOF

I am so confused. I know I am not Bi or lesbian or gay or anything. I am like stuck on 2 girls. I really like them. One is my best friend and the other is a girl I am really close to in my math class. I am just so confused in the fact that I like them so much. and I have a boyfriend and I love him to death and the only thing is that he was the one that showed me what Love meant. In my past i was never shown love from past boyfriends from and unfortunate event in my life and most of all, my parents. with my dad and how he use to be an alcoholic and beat me up all the time and my mom hurting me all the time i never knew what love was. But what I am saying is, I dont want to mess up our friendships. and I love them both very much and care about them but is it wrong to feel this way? Tonight when my friend gets home I am going to tell her how I feel to get it out of the way and I REALLY hope I dont fuck up our friendship by telling her how I really feel about her. I like my best friend because she is pretty and funny and I love to be around her because she walways knows what to say to make me laugh. and my other friend from math class is beautiful and shes sweet and I love to be around her too. Aurrrghh god I wish I didnt feel like this. and dont worry, i dont have a problem with gay people because my moms best friend is Gay and me and her grew close ever since i was younger and I dont care if people are gay or not. Im just saying this is not for me, well at least thats what i think...

SOME PEOPLE.......

 
                 REALLY MAKE ME SICK!!!!



I hate it when people like....hmmm not mentioning any names lol have a new best friend every week and wow whoever may be next. I feel bad for you!!!! hahahah  :( :)

Current Location: under your bed!
Current Mood: bored, grossed out
Current Music: Nopum!

me and ray have alot to work out! seriously! I need to take some time to talk to him but theres no more time! I cant wait and i dunno what to do nymore?

Any suggestions on this disfunctional relationship you've been reading about?

Current Location: Home
Current Mood: tired, frustrated

Yesterday Night while I was online, Officer Troy and I had a long talk. We hadn't had a talk in a long time because of his busy schedule and we bearly see one another anymore because he works at another school. Well anyways. He had asked me about my grades and I knew if I told him the truth about my last marking period grades I would get this whole speech and I wouldn't be able to talk to him because he would start lecturing me. I had told him That I recieved COUGH....F's and D's.....COUGH in everything. EVEN IN ROTC!!! And I recieved a D+ in that class because I decided for 2 uniform days I would not wear my Uniform. HAHA stupid me well now I need to start wearing it this marking period. But anyways. He told me how disappointed he was and that got to me. I really just want someone to be proud of me but I mean who's going to be proud of someone with F's and D's so yeah he has a right to be upset but still! I really have to try harder this marking period. Get my act together and stop letting my life get to me because if I do that and fail again then I might as well stay back and you know what that would add more stress to me and I really don't need that right now so I think I better do what I need to do for myself and my future career as a counselor because that's always been something I have wanted to do with my life, I want to helo others. I love to listen and I love to give advice to others. Especially people who have gone through some of my situation...well similar situations but I will help anyone out about anything. But as I was saying. I need to prove to my parents that I am not a failure at life and that I do take alot of things seriously including my high school career. I don't want them to know me as a Screw up! So Here i go! Ready to start off fresh and show you all who I really am!!!!

Current Location: Home
Current Mood: Bored, excited
Current Music: Aerosmith

Its been 3 months and 9 days (and yes I am counting :)) since me and Ray met. Its being like a roller coaster but as i look back right now i see more downs then ups. And a few tiwsts. Its crazy. I love him to death and some think I am absolutly crazy for saying things about marriage and stuff but thats me and when I know i have found something and I say it I'm not lieing! I found the one for me. I know it sounds corny but anyways let me get back to what i was about to say...! Last night me and Ray were having a discussion on his life and how everyone goes through different types of Trauma. Let me make his story short. Half of his childhood he grew up without his dad. the person that suppose to be there for him but I mean in a way he understands. His dad was a US Marine and had to do his service. Well anyways when Ray was 4 his dad left for war against suddeum Huessin (Or however you spell that) and that was in maybein 1993 or 94. but anyways...his dad had to leave and at the time they didnt have a law stating that a marine or any type of armed force member or anyone in any military branch can only be gone for 6 months to war at a time like they do now. Well...his dad left one night and he nor his sister new what was wrong. His mother had left to bring there father to the airport. And Ray didnt know really at the time what was wrong because he was only 4. So everyday for 3 yrs Ray would sleep on the floor in a sleeping bag next to his dads side of the bed. And one morning. He woke up at around 4 to see a figure standing in the doorway. IT was his dad. Had his luggage and all. Well and then theres alot more of him leaving but then his dad new it was time to retire after being an Active duty member for 20 yrs. And now of course Ray is 17 and almost joining the US Air Force once he gets his test results back. But I mean wow! This is how some people become strong. Everything has to be hard before it gets better and everyone must go through some type of trauma in there life so they can look back and reflect on it and use it for times of need and strength. I know My trauma is alittle bit more personal but I look back on it and I use that to help me get through. Now its time for to go through something I dont want to but I have to be strong For Ray! Hes leaving me for 6 months this summer and some of my sophmore year for Air Force Basic Training. I Need the strength to do my school work on days when all I want to do is cry and give up and I can't talk to him. And I need the strength to be happy and only set aside maybe an hour a week just to cry and pray and think and then go on with life and show people the Jessica they want to see! Happy,goofy,pissed off at times, not perfect,retarded :), and energetic, Jessica! I will pull up my grades and make my family and Ray happy and Sgt. Sykes!! i will prove everyone wrong!!! Just watch me!!! I'M READY!!! lol :)

Current Location: Home
Current Mood: Tired, Happy
Current Music: No

Yo YO YO Sajean at my house!!!! ur jealous!!! lol cya

Today was pretty chaotic but when i was at church with everyone and my family and i laughed a little i stopped and looked around and thought to myself "I am so lucky to have a family and friends like this" they are always by my side and they never give up on me. I would do anything for them and I love them all so much........;)

Well Yesterday Emily, and I went to go see Ms.collins. We hung out with Ms.Pellitier and stuff then Ms.collins came back and I ran in and hugged her and then we started talking about my report card and then Emily said that she had failed English. The class she wants to major in. And Ms.Collins was like "Get out" because she was so disappointed in Emily and all that and we had this long talk with her on how to change it all and stuff well mostly Ms.coliins but here and there i had to say something. I didnt want to see Ms.collins like that. It was pretty scary and stuff but I mean she did not come down on me hard for my bad grades. I failed three classes but she did start talking to me about my boyfriend thats 17 and she was explaning to me and stuff about her situation and she gave me some advice. The she told me and Emily that we could write to her and stuff whenever.

Antoher thing that happened was that I was mentioning to Emily how I felt about me and her and our friendship. I told her that I considered her as a bestfriend. Because she has been there for me so much and I need someone like her in my life and I am never scared while being around her because I know I can be myself around her and she will not judge me. I love her like a clase friend. Shes great!!!! dont mess with her....lol.